cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
when you are just born a rebel
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.