This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Human: what鈥檚 up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You鈥檇 be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it鈥檚 going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 馃檨
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Whatcha doing?! 馃槒馃ぃ馃惗
Stop humanising dogs, they鈥檙e better than that.
Just why bro?!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.