Ugh but profoundly
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5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
ouch
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
a god among men
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
😂😂😂