Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m confused about plants
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My circle of trust is a meatball