i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel