*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Yes
If only.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
New comic up. “Ransom”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.