Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?