Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just a bush.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.