Doug is just Canadian for dog
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shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
every. time.
Seek kebab; not attention
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
opening twitter today