If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
kevin is now a local weatherman
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
A little too much information.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.