[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates