Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Tough love is true love
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party