Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession