MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights