Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.