Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?