Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Yet the one time I did, I got banned