Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”