[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..