Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.