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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
We need to put an American base on the sun
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
incredible book dedication
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
wtf is a larm clock?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
uncle dave has been through hell
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!