i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?