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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
next question.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!