My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit