[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.