My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”