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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.