barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems