I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*cough*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Breaking news:
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.