SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes