“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
me doing my best
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
We all have our pet causes.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol