judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Got ya covered
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.