5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Bro what is this
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero