I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
welcome back
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
When libraries troll their patrons.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars