We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: