You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’d love this…lol
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
pelicons
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”