Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.