9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.