Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.