This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
#oldknees
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.