For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.