ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss