I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
what my late-night hot pocket sees
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.