There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Britain be like
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Tough love is true love