people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
OKAY DAD
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now