What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.