I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
#inspiration #foodforthought
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.