My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Chicken bread
The two types of wives
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?