I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The three genders
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*