Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.